atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#4747: It could be worse, I suppose.

Waking up in a bit of a panic after having a dream with Mom in it--I dreamed that she had come in from a hard rain to tell me that the power company was about to shut off the power. It was nighttime in the dream (like, "4 AM in October" night) and pounding rain, and she was wet with it.

The power bill here is past due, but it's not in collections and they're not threatening to shut our power off. Nonetheless I called the power company to make sure, because anxiety disorder. Yeah. *sigh* But that way, at least I know for certain and won't worry about it.

Part of the problem with chronic anxiety is that once you start to worry about something, your mind absolutely refuses to let it go and you end up consumed with worry over whatever it is. It doesn't even have to be anything immediate like a past due bill; it can be something you don't have to worry about for a long time, or even something entirely hypothetical. When my mother's cat was about five years old, in 1989-ish, I once found myself consumed with angst and sorrow that the poor critter only had about another ten years left. (And the cat lived to be almost twenty, for crying out loud.) This is typical for the sufferer of chronic anxiety.

You very quickly learn how to put things out of your mind, else you don't get any sleep. The stress of the anxiety messes up your digestion, ruins your appetite, and wrecks your sleep. Even so, fear can keep you from doing things you need to do because you anticipate all the ways they can go wrong. It can be paralyzing.

The drugs, however, help. Paxil does it nicely for me, keeps me from being in a constant state of anxiousness that occasionally rises to sheer panic. Somehow I got very lucky and my doctor in Iowa in 2003 hit on exactly the right medication and dosage to get things under control, such that when I do have a panic attack I can usually get it under control reasonably quickly. (Sometimes I worry that the meds make me too easygoing.)

Well, it is what it is, I suppose. Everyone has issues. Mine are just as thorny as anyone else's are.

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