atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

Fear My Subconscious.

As I was waking up from a nap, my subconscious attempted to scare me awake with a mental image I just had to share. You can thank me later.

I imagined a morbidly obese woman in a bikini taking part in the Iditarod. Sadly, the sled dogs could not pull her immense carcass; instead they ran frantically in place, fearing that she would eat them for a snack, and dug a hole. After a bit the entire works fell into the hole and the woman's gigantic mass fell face-first onto the dogs and crushed them all at the bottom of the hole.

As the logic and reasoning centers of my brain switched back on there was something about a crane being brought in to haul the woman out of the hole, because there was no way in fucking hell she could even turn over, much less climb anything taller than a curb.

I think the primary source of all this would be from the "Cliff Yablonski Hates You" section of the Something Awful web site: http://www.somethingawful.com/cliff/ihateyou/ . This web site takes pictures of bizarre and stupid people and makes fun of them mercilessly using lots of bad words and acrid sarcasm. I've been re-reading the entire series (it runs to 268 pages right now) and it's still pretty funny stuff. But there are a few pictures of morbidly obese women in bikinis or lingerie.

Since I worked in a nursing home for 7 months there is no way such images can scar me, mentally. On my first day there I saw a piece of human feces 4" in diameter and 6" long come out of a bedridden resident--that set the tone for my whole time there; believe me, seeing a mere picture of an excessively fat woman is practically a vacation next to that.

Even so, I fail to understand how anyone can just let himself go like that. Getting fat, yes; that I can see...but when your body starts to go from rotund to huge, and the scale expires with a spoing and a wail of despair, and all your clothes have more Xs on the labels than any other letter--you know, then it's time to STOP FUCKING EATING and go see a doctor about an exercise regimin.

I know that some people have metabolic disorders which make it difficult for them to control their weight. I know that there are some people who just naturally tend to be heavy. But I'm not talking about those people; I'm talking about people who just eat and eat and FUCKING EAT and don't exercise at all, until they're so goddamned huge that their bodies are 90% fat and they can't exercise, because if they tried to do anything more strenuous than walk, their hearts would explode. I am talking about the people who, essentially, choose to be morbidly obese. They don't wake up one day and say, "Y'know, I'm gonna see what it's like to weigh a quarter of a ton!" They just eat what they like to eat without thinking about it, and they eat lots of it because they like it, and as time goes on they just eat more and more and more of everything...and eventually they end up looking like the Michelin Man.

The ironic thing is that morbidly obese people have strong leg muscles. Typically their legs and buttocks are pretty strong, because they have to be. The goddamned food isn't going to come to them, after all, and that means they have to get up and walk to it.

And when one of these blobs of suet finally understands how stupid it is to weigh 600 lbs (literally; I am not exaggerating) and gets help and loses weight, they've got so much excess skin that they need plastic surgery to get rid of it. I'm not talking about the woman who loses 20 lbs and wants a tummy tuck; I'm talking about NEEDING the surgery, so that the person doesn't have a huge empty sack of cellulite hanging off his body--I'm talking about enough skin to reupholster the guy in Hellraiser who's missing his skin and has all the nails sticking out of his head. That's right, enough belly skin to cover someone's entire body.

It does, however, demonstrate the overall robustness of the design of the human body. I'm positive that morbid obesity was not a problem for proto-humans as they evolved into us, and you never see it happen in the wild--yet people can get that hugely fat and still live. Their life expectancy is shortened, of course, but they don't strangle in their own bulk; that's pretty impressive, especially when it's a woman and she has 100 lbs of breasts on her rib cage. (I think "100 lbs" is an exaggeration. But I'm not sure it is.)
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