atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#5016: Idiots.

I love it when people call me who haven't paid a bill for two months or so, telling me that they need their phones.

And guess what? If you:
1) Haven't paid anything since October
2) Have a balance due approaching $1,000
3) Are just coming back from a trip to Israel
4) Got a credit of $190 in November
5) have been disconnected twice for nonpayment in the past four months
...I am not going even to consider giving you the credit of $300 that you think you deserve. You upgraded both of the phones on your account and lost your unlimited data and you are unhappy because you have to pay for the data you use; I don't have any sympathy for you. Especially since you haven't actually paid for anything.

I'll be happy to send you to financial services so you can pay some of your past due balance, in order to get your service turned back on. I'm not going to give you a $300 credit.

Incidentally, if you're in a hurry, don't call me and tell me I have to solve your problem before you do X or Y. If you don't have time, hang up and call later when you do have time. I won't be rushed.

You don't want to pay the $300 you think we owe you? Fine, don't pay it...but you could pay the other six hundred and seventy dollars you owe, you know.

*

If you have prepaid phone service, do not switch to postpaid and expect it to be cheaper, or even as cheap. It's not. It never will be. Postpaid will always be more expensive than prepaid.

And not to put too fine a point on it, if you don't pay your bill on time, the charges from that bill will be added to the next bill. They don't go away. If you pay your 30-days-past-due balance of $300 five days after the new bill has generated, you still have two bills to pay, and odds are your bill will still be $600.

*

You get a bill every month. This is not a secret and it should not come as a surprise to you. If you can't be fucked to read it, don't call me after you've been overcharged for a year and insist on getting that money back. I can apply credits three months out; after that, no. It's your responsibility to read your bill every month.

*

And for the reps out there who can't be bothered to look anything up to make sure what they're saying is correct:

Before you tell someone that she is eligible for a $300 rebate, make sure she's actually eligible. If you read the promotion you might be surprised to learn that it only applies to cases where the customer adds a line. But since you promised the customer she'd get the rebate, you can take the hit for the $300 credit.

Also, if a customer wants to do something unusual like transfer her tablet's upgrade to a phone? Make sure the policy doesn't explicitly forbid doing that. It took me five seconds to find the exact policy statement, and the customer that the two of you morons misled was not happy when I told her she couldn't do it and that she'd been misinformed. (Not to mention that the upgrade tool won't let you do it, either.)

*

Here's something else to remember. Cellular data is like electricity; I can't tell you how you used it but if the billing system says you used it, odds are you did--intentionally or not. If I look at the information from the switch and I see a long column of your cell number and IMEI, I'm pretty confident your phone used that data. (The info from the switch is how #Major_Telecom gets paid. If it's wrong, it's billions of dollars. Hint: it's not wrong.) "I've never used that much data before?" you say? I believe you. But you did this time.

If you go on vacation and mistakenly leave your air conditioner set to 60°, and come back three weeks later to discover that your AC has been running the entire time, and you then get a bill for $800? It doesn't matter that you didn't intend to use it, nor does it matter than you never used that much before. You used the electricity; you must pay for it.

Regardless of how long you've been a customer.

If I then tell you that I'm going to work with you and issue a credit of $25 (my maximum budget per case) against your $30 overage--and if I explain to you that I'm doing it because of the extenuating circumstances surrounding your case, and that such credits are not normally issued--don't get pissed off at me and threaten to go to Sprint and/or not pay the bill because I'm not crediting the whole overage. I don't care what you do and you've just confirmed my suspicion that you're a self-entitled asshole who doesn't deserve jack shit--and if I could, I'd rescind that credit.

I can't, but I will leave a note on the account to the effect that further credits should not be issued. It will probably make your next victim less likely to issue one for your next tantrum.

"I'm not going to pay it!" Fine. Don't pay it. I don't care. But be aware of the fact that you'll be charged a late fee every month that your bill is not paid in full.

* * *

I think the guy who lost his unlimited data was the best, though. He kept telling me how much of a hurry he was in, and how much he needed his phone to work when he got back to the US, but he wasn't willing to pay anything on his $970 past due balance (going back 60 days!) to get his service turned back on. He wanted me to turn his phone back on for free, which was not going to happen. (Did not, in fact, happen.)

* * *

#Major_Telecom made a huge mistake with its "unlimited data" feature, and they know it; and now that the price has gone up ($20 per month) a lot of the entitled babies are screaming bloody murder about it. Any time someone loses the feature--particularly by mistake--they scream and threaten to leave and do a lot of other things. I no longer quail at the temper tantrums; you can get as angry as you like about it, but it doesn't change the fact that the feature is gone and you won't be getting it back.

No one in the industry--no one--currently offers unlimited 4G LTE data. All the carriers who offer unlimited data throttle after the first gigabyte or two; they drop to 3G speed and some of 'em eventually drop to 1G, which is approximately as fast as a Commodore 64 modem.

Unlimited data is too expensive; data takes a lot of tower bandwidth. A 4G LTE data stream is as much data as a thousand phone calls and the more data you have flowing through a tower the fewer voice conversations it can support. To make a data connection pay, you have to charge for it. #Major_Telecom is the only one that doesn't throttle data...but you have to pay for it.

They don't claim to be the cheapest. They don't even pretend.

$50 a month for unlimited 4G LTE data is a steal in a world where the latest plans charge $100 for 18 GB per account per month. If you don't like it, go somewhere else...but I can guarantee you that you're going to be really unhappy after you use up that first GB and then the rest comes in at a trickle.

* * *

Well, on the plus side, two more days before my weekend....
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