atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#5557: Solarbabies

Solarbabies, ye gods.

Mom was always into roller skating after she re-discovered it in the early 1980s. So when a movie came out that shhe wanted to see, she'd have one of us rent it for her. This one had roller skating in it, so she had me go rent it for her.

But if there are two things which ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GO TOGETHER it is "post-apocalyptic sci fi" and "teenagers on roller skates".

Okay, I know what happened: some Hollywood executives were brainstorming movie ideas and realized that roller skating was really hot just then, and they figured that if they had a bunch of teenagers in a roller skating movie it would be a runaway success, especially since science fictional movies had been a big hit in 1985 (Back to the Future being the biggest, but there were some others). And Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome had come out the year before, and those science fiction things are always post-apocalyptic, right?

...and so you had actors seriously delivering lines like, "Stick with us, learn to serve the Order, and you'll achieve a decent life-grid." WTF does that even mean?

As a teenager, I knew that movie was doing to be so stupid it would make me cringe with embarassment for the people who had to act in it, and I really didn't want to see it. As a teenager who was himself into roller skating and science fiction, I knew for a fact that this movie would be absolutely god-awful.

And I was 100% correct in my assessment.

I have one inchoate memory from that movie, just one: someone, one of the (adult, naturally) antagonists screaming that he would "...get you, Solarbabies!"


Looking at the IMDB entry for it, I see that it had a budget of $25 million and it grossed $1.6 million. Oh, yeah.

Re-reading that craptastic line, above, reminded me of Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, which was another movie I stayed the hell away from. Someone rented it; while it was running I stayed away. There is one line stuck in my head, just one: Molly Ringwald asks someone, "What brain-working?"

Looking at the quotes in the IMDB entry, I see this:
Wolff: [Having just kicked and further broken an already malfunctioning comms computer] The communicator is out again.

Chalmers: That's because we need a new auto-correlation spectometer... not to mention a new drive systems regulator, a freon activator and, of course, a complete scan systems overhaul.
Do you know what that is? That's technologically ignorant Hollywood writers stringing technical-sounding words together. "Freon activator"? "Scan systems overhaul"? What is this shit?


Anyway, I've got to go work on my life-grid.

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