Holy crap what a job that was. Taking the old fan out--that took fifteen minutes at most. There was a little weirdness when I undid the wiring, because the power chose that exact moment to flicker, setting off the UPSes and freaking me out. I mean, with the switches off, there should be no current flowing, yet scree! Twice, yet. WTF.
The box in the ceiling is built for supporting a ceiling fan, but the mounting bracket was too wide to accommodate it, so I had to improvise.
Went out to the garage, intending to bridge the box with a 2x4. I even had a 2x4 that I could cut to the correct length to fit between the joists (14.25"). That plan lasted until I got a good look at the box; with the conduits coming in through the top of it, what I'd have to do is put bridges between the joists on either side of the box instead. Problem: not enough 2x4.
However: right next to where the scrap of 2x4 was, there was a scrap of what looked like 2x6, and it was long enough that I could get two chunks, 14.25" long, from it. Only had five wood screws, but I also have some good nails, so I'd do the screws on the bottom and nails on top. Protect that ceiling I just painted, right? Circular saw took care of that; then back up into the attic!
Got one hole drilled and screw driven in, then--of course--the cordless drill died. Swearing a lot, went back out to the garage for the plug-in drill so I could get the holes drilled, and got the charger for the cordless so I could drive the remaining screws.
Eventually--after much swearing and SWEATING MY ASS RIGHT THE HELL OFF--I got the 2x6 fastened in securely. Secured from attic and resumed work in the computer room, where I was finally able to mark and drill for installing the new ceiling fan bracket.
It took me almost two hours from start to when I tightened the screws on that freaking bracket.
The rest of the assembly went reasonably well, though of course there were little infuriating moments, like the one screw hole that wasn't tapped right, so naturally that was the one I was trying to fit a screw into through a plate that was flopping around and I'M GETTING REALLY FRUSTRATED NOW--but nothing that was too far beyond the pale. The rest of the assembly procedure took the remaining two hours from when I started, because this thing has more parts than the Space Shuttle, but--
...flipped up the light switch and it went on. I got the wiring right on the first try. With two 100w equivalent bulbs in it (instead of the CFLs that came with it) there's plenty of light in the room, and the fan spins at full speed and doesn't vibrate at all. Solid as the Rock of Gibraltar.
Now just have the other chores to do in here--replace an outlet and clean the switches--and I'll be done. But first, the bunker needs diet Pepsi, so off I go.