The short form of all this is me yelling, "WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU JUST GET MY HOUSE DECLARED A SUPERFUND SITE AND GET IT OVER WITH????"
The long form:
It's perfectly fine for us to live here, but apparently the flooring is so toxic it can never be replaced. The subcontractors from Luna came again today, with the proviso that even if they couldn't do the family room they'd still do the computer room. This is what my wife said had been arranged with Luna when she talked to them yesterday. And no, despite repeated requests that they call me they insisted on calling her, so she interrupted her workday yesterday to make these arrangements--and the assholes didn't even do that.
Okay--so I understand and accept that they can't do the family room, because there's asbestos tile in it and the mastic underneath also probably has asbestos in it. But why can't they do the computer room? It has a freaking hardwood floor, and it's bordered by a hallway which is also hardwood. But! "It's probably contaminated, since there's asbestos tile in the other room."
Oh, and now the linoleum also has asbestos in it, because reasons. I said testily, "I can guarantee that vinyl doesn't have asbestos in it." I was testy at this point because the guy didn't listen to what I was telling him about the wood flooring and told his boss (over the phone) that the hallway had tile in it. It doesn't, asshat!
Once he gave me the "contaminated" schtick, I all but said "All right, GET OUT!" I did not quite say it, but I was close. I simply bid them a good day.
The simple fact is, we're not going to get any new carpet in here, not professionally installed, until and unless we get the stupid piece of paper saying that we've gotten rid of the tile. I can certainly pull up the tile, and I can probably find a way to get rid of the mastic underneath, but what I can't do is produce that piece of paper saying it's been done to the EPA's satisfaction.
All that for a measly 150 square feet of tile.
And I'm not worried about the asbestos. I grew up in this house, and no one in my family got lung cancer. Is asbestos bad for you? Certainly, if you're breathing in particles all the time, such as if you did brake jobs for a living prior to 1997, or if you worked in a linoleum factory before the 1980s, or-or-or. But living in a house with asbestos tile? Even if it's been removed?
This is stupid and it's yet another example of how government does things. The same way the FDA says that mercury in fish is bad for pregnant women, but many times more mercury in a vaccine is not, the EPA says that the tile in my house is perfectly safe where it is, but it's not perfectly safe if anyone wants to put new carpet over it. You can't disturb the asbestos tile, oh no! You'll live a long and healthy life if you leave it alone, but if you do anything to it, you'll die of mesothelioma!
In any case, we're now faced with having to get the asbestos tile removed before we're able to get the carpet replaced, and it's going to cost about $1500 for that. Lovely, no?
FUCK the EPA. Holy shit.