atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#615: Zombies on a Plane was too obvious, I guess

I just saw a commercial for Flight of the Living Dead. zomgwtf.

They might as well have called it Zombies on a Plane, though. I guess Samuel L. Motherfuckin' Jackson was too busy to yell "I want these fuckin' zombies offa this fuckin' plane!" since I didn't see him anywhere in the commercial.

Other disasters we can have happen on large aircraft on long international flights:

rabid raccoons
alien attack
any plot involving a character played by Rob Schneider
Barbara Streisand
terrorists thwarted by special ops (sorry, this has already been done. See Executive Decision)
teenage madcap sex comedy by the creators of American Pie
demonic possession
Windows Vista

Since Hollywood is only good for derivative movies these days--and I think Zombies on a Plane Flight of the Living Dead puts the final nail in that coffin--how about they just re-make the entire Airport series?

I mean, in those movies you had a guy blow himself up, endangering the plane; you had a story about a midair collision that killed the pilots and put a stewardess behind the controls of the airplane (and then Charlton Heston had to do a "skyhook" stunt to get himself aboard the airplane); you had a 747 get sunk in the ocean; and there was one other deal that I've completely forgotten, probably due to the fact that it sucked most egregiously.

Hollywood is so bankrupt of anything resembling creativity or novelty that someone has got to be considering doing just that.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't substitute special effects for writing all the time. Nothing is really going on--so-and-so is blowing up a bunch of stuff--but it's okay because we spent $50 million on the CGI budget and it looks gorgeous. *sigh* Yeah, that's fantastic. Wrap a simple plot around all those special effects and give 'em top billing.

"In a world where love has been brutally murdered, Skywalker Ranch is looking for payback!" Yeah, that's fine. Make the bad guys generic non-islamic terrorists or something, and make sure the main character wields a weapon he couldn't even carry, much less stand around firing 50,000 rounds without any kind of bracing. "Lookit me! I got me a Vulcan cannon!" (Oh, wait, Jesse Ventura did that in Predator...and I don't care how fricking strong he is, no one on the planet could carry as much ammunition as that thing chews up in that movie.)Except Chuck Norris.

You know, Casablanca is considered by many to be the best movie of all time. It was made for a pittance and most of it was shot on a soundstage. What makes it so good? One, the writing; two, the acting; three, the direction.

The only special effects in the whole movie were background stuff (like the airplane scene at the end--the airplane was a plywood cutout, sub-scale, with little people acting like mechanics and such around it).

No nudity. No swearing.

You know, I still count The Sixth Sense as one of the best movies I have seen in the past ten years. There is virtually no swearing in it. There is very little violence in it. We see the occasional sign of violence (mostly wounds) but little of it happens on-screen. And it was the creepiest movie I've seen in a long time.

Recent horror movies (like the Saw franchise) rely on raw "splatter" and gore to make their point (being, "this shit is scary"). The plot is only there to provide a basic framework on which to hang the gore. Maybe the people who call it "horror porn" are not that far off the mark.

Oh well. Guess it's not really my problem, since I haven't bothered to go see any movie since Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

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