I'm sitting here trying to write something coherent about my emotional state, and VROOM! a vehicle goes whizzing past outside at something like 60 on a side street. Then, a few moments later, VROOM! another one!
Get up to look outside and see that the second is a police car, lights going. As I'm craning my neck trying to figure out what's going on, VROOM! another police car--or maybe the same one--comes tearing back in the other direction at a somewhat lesser velocity.
And now (three minutes later) one's gone back again, high speed, lights etc. WTF.
Went outside to have a gander. As I'm standing in my driveway, a police car from the next town north of the Fungal Vale goes by, at a speed which would get a civilian pulled over. He turned east, so I hied out to the east 40 to have a gander, and saw a car at the north end of that street. Traffic acting like something's in its way on the main road, go up there and see four police cars--one nose-to-nose with the civilain vehicle--and a trio of cops walking towards me as I headed back to the house.
"Excuse me, sir; is there another route you could take? We're canvassing the area."
"Well, I could go that way," I said, pointing at 90 degrees to my intended course.
"Where do you live, sir?"
"Right there," I said, pointing at my house.
"Oh, all right."
Beset by weariness, I sat at the patio table for a bit, then wandered out front and--curiosity getting the better of me--ambled again towards the main drag. Still four cop cars there, one nose-to-nose with the civilian vehicle which (I could now see) was, as they say, a late model Audi SUV.
It's not too difficult to add all this nonsense up. Driver of Audi fled from cops (hence all the "VROOM!" nonsense) and ditched something, the "something" probably being drugs, which is why the cops were "canvassing". Total of six cop cars involved, because it's a big friggin' deal in a sleepy place like the Fungal Vale.
Let's face it: for rather a long time, the big crime story here was how the son of a local supermarket owner led police on a high speed chase in his Porsche some time in the 1970s. That was the big scandal until about 1981 when a small group of boys my age had formed a burglary ring and got arrested for it. I haven't heard anything since; this place just isn't a hotbed of crime.
...but the thing that really got me was looking at the stopped vehicle and thinking, A fuckin' Audi. I drive an 18-year-old Jeep.
Does not help my mood.
It just makes me want to puke. They say "crime doesn't pay" but if it didn't do you honestly think we'd have so much of it? Whatever that piss-head did, obviously it's more than a routine traffic stop, yet he's got the scratch to be driving around in a vehicle that starts at $50k.
And old honest Fungus over here, driving the old crate, struggling to get all his bills paid on time.
It matters, and I know it matters; I know that my chosen path of being in the world but not of it is the right one; I know that my struggles are the result of a fallen world's attempts at seducing me. "Hey, just ease up a bit on the lacing, guy; look at how comfortable you could be!"
The hardest part is that I always feel like a failure these days. That's probably what's driving the wild oscillation in my emotions: blind panic at needing to do things, crushing depression at realizing nothing can be done about it but what I'm doing; constant worry vying with constant pressure. Surrounding all of it is the realization that I'm anything but virtuous. I even fail at being good; I see actual good people and realize how far off that mark I am.
Lately, just about the only thing that keeps me going is a quote from Ghandi: "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
TL;DR: Life is hard.