Not entirely sure how this happened, but I've got a hemorrhoid the size of a walnut.
There's no way to sugar-coat it or say it nicely. For two days I've been cudgeling my brain to think of a nice way to put it, and I keep coming up blank.
Thursday, I noticed some discomfort after getting up. A bit painful, not too bad, maybe a shade worse than I've had before. But when I got into the shower I discovered the magnitude of the swelling on my backside and couldn't believe it.
Still, it was mainly just annoying, until I sat down to watch some TV with Mrs. Fungus. After about an hour and a half, I couldn't stand it any longer and laid on the floor, and at that point Mrs. Fungus suggested urgent care.
Urgent care was closed; we hit the ER.
At the ER, they examined it, then determined that the clot should be removed, thus relieving the pressure. There followed a mortifying, painful, and unpleasant procedure where they numbed the area (which hurt a lot), made an incision, and extracted a lot of the clot.
They then couldn't get it to stop bleeding, so they sewed up the incision rather than leaving it open to drain. Five stitches.
The ride home from the ER was excruciating. It was made marginally better by the purchase of a ring pillow. The swelling was still just as bad and the pain, too; the relief had lasted all of ten minutes.
Got home by 2:30 AM. Called the office to let them know I wouldn't be in today.
Managed to get a little sleep; called the follow-up doc the ER had suggested. Slept a bit more, called my GP, and they squeezed me in.
My doc proceeded to nick the sutures and then express more clot, which hurt. He gave me two containers of gauze and left it open to drain.
The result is that I can't sit down, I have this swelling that won't go away, and when I take a dump I need to have a sitz bath afterwards to get everything clean because of the huge bulge that's right in the exit path. Oh, and it's still oozing blood, and I can't walk normally either because it hurts too much.
Monday afternoon I go visit the surgeon recommended by the ER. We'll see what he thinks--but I most definitely want this thing to go away, so I'm not going to quibble about surgery if it's recommended. I can't function like this, that's for sure, and I don't want to have to deal with this kind of nonsense again if I can at all avoid it.
Brings an all-new meaning to the phrase, "what a pain in the ass".