atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#692: I shouldn't read the paper.

Chicago Sun-Times, Friday, November 9th, 2007.

Headline: "ARE WE BEING POISONED?"

...some people were tested by an eco-activist group and "toxic chemicals" were found in their systems. No mention is made in the article of a) what levels were found, and b) what levels are detrimental to health; just that the chemicals "were found".

Hey, guess what? I'm radioactive and poisonous! I blame BIG INDUSTRY!

...except the radioactivity comes from Carbon 14, which no one in the universe can do anything about, and the poisonousness comes from trace amounts of arsenic, lead, and other heavy metals which occur naturally in the human body.

The answer to the question posed by that headline: "Not just 'no' but 'hell no', and shut the fuck up already."

So I'm flipping through the paper, and the "Neighborhoods" section features this bit of slug text:

"Hop off the Dan Ryan for a compelling journey through a hood that's authentic Chicago." [emphasis mine].

A "hood"? A "hood" is part of a car or a coat.

It says at the top of the section, "Neighborhoods with Mark Konkol". Mark Konkol--if that's his picture next to the title--appears to be a chunky white guy with curly hair. I would lay odds that he is of Jewish descent. He has no business trying to be "authentic" with Ebonics, damn it.

I think the Chicago Sun-Times editors need to make a bulk purchase of The Chicago Manual of Style.

Shaking my head in disgust, I paged onward, and found the "Commentary" section. The letters page was headlined with a missive penned by the executive director of the Chicago Abortion Fund, objecting to retired Illinois congressman Henry Hyde getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Bush.

The letter complained that Hyde didn't deserve the award--which is awarded at the Presiden't discretion, by the way, hence Presidential Medal of Freedom--because he worked against freedom of choice, blah blah, poor and disadvantaged and minorities, blah blah blah, etcetera, unfair, poor women are denied their "right to choose" because they have to pay for their own abortions but are too poor to pay the abortionist, yada yada. A poor woman's body is regulated by the government!

In fact, I can summarize this letter in one sentence, with an homage to Neal Stephenson's excellent book, The Big U:

"How can he justify that when, in this country, women still have to pay for their own abortions?"

Oh! And Julia Roberts says that she finds it demeaning when paparazzi want to take pictures of her with her kids! Oh, poor Julia Roberts! Oh, she has it so, so rough! The poor extremely rich Hollywood liberal Julia Roberts has such a hard life!

Okay, sarcasm over. Fuck off, you self-absorbed bitch.

Here's an article about Robert Redford's new film. "The 'Candidate' refuses to align himself with Hillary/Barak or Rudy/Mitt...." OH COME ON NOW. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? Anyone who seriously thinks that Robert fucking Redford would EVER back a Republican has been huffing the gases created by fermenting his own urine and feces. Get real! Redford is practically a freaking communist, for Christ's sake. The day that he ever backs a Republican, you had better start praying, because the Rapture ain't far behind.
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