atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#7103: GLEAH

6 minutes in and Mazes and Monsters is bleeding awful.

This movie was based on a book, according to the opening credits.

First one of the players we see is the son of a rich interior decorator and he comes home from somewhere-or-other, wearing a pickelhaube. His mother has redecorated his room in "1970s Operating Room White"--everything is white, right down to the typewriter on the desk, and floors and walls are tiled. He has a mynah bird named "Merlin".

Three introductory vignettes in, the acting is shit. Haven't seen Tom Hanks yet. Oo--I he comes!

No, wrong. It's Pickelhaube Boy again but this time he's in a cowboy hat. So, his character is "hats".

There's Tom Hanks! 10 minutes in. His dad's authoritarian and his mom's a drunk! No wonder he goes off the deep end. WHOOPS SPOILER

Rich family--they're dropping him off at college in a big Mercedes!

Pickelhaube boy now sitting in the cafeteria? at the college, wearing a WW2 flight helmet with goggles, and looking around. Oh boy what a personality he has!!! Looking around like, "Gee why don't I have any friends?" BECAUSE YOU'RE A LUNATIC.


I was going to live-fisk this horseshit but it's bleeding awful, and it's not even the kind of bleeding awful that makes it funny. It's just a bad, bad movie. You can see the obvious differences in talent between Tom Hanks and the entire rest of the cast. The older people do reasonable, professional jobs, but the younger ones are...well..."high school drama club" is about right, I think.

If there's one thing I can't stand, though, it's when a movie uses props in place of character. Having Pickelhaube Boy wear a different hat in each scene is stupid.

Gad, he's wearing a yellow hard hat with a tuxedo now. It burns!! The stupid, it burns!!!

...they're playing the eponymous game now, introducing their characters--and only Tom Hanks manages to pull it off without making me cringe.

A "falling in love" montage 20 minutes in?? And this song is terrible.

* * *

I have a feeling we're missing something important here:

Namely, why does the factory make a size 1450 slipper??

* * *

I was going to go out and look at things and maybe buy some, but then I changed my mind and decided not to. Tomorrow is Easter so everything will be closed.

I tried to do a little spackling yesterday but the leftover spackle from when I painted the spare room at the end of August turned out to have mostly hardened. About a fifth of a bucket remaining--did I use that much on the spare room?

--no, I bought that bucket partway through the bathroom and finished the bathroom with it, then did the spare room, so it's older than the six, seven months that elapsed since I last used it. I did make sure it was well-sealed, but, well, *shrug*.

* * *

Hat boy talking to his bird about killing himself, because people who play role-playing games (even shitty made-up imitation RPGs) are always mentally unstable. Especially if they put on different hats every twenty minutes.

* * *

There's going to be a part two? "The Illegal and/or Unconstitutional Actions of President Barack Obama, Part 1"

If he were a Republican he would have been impeached and out of office after the first one. Or at least the second one.

* * *

Well, Tom Hanks has started to go around the bend. He broke up with The Girl. Now, The Girl is kissing another guy in the gaming group. Not Pickelhaube Boy though. (....yet.)

Gadzooks this is an awful movie.

  • #6522: Viewer warning

    Watched an ep of Gordon Ramsay's 24 Hours to Hell and Back the other day, and it was prefaced with a warning. He read the title card: "Warning: this…

  • #6476: Another person who needs to be dis-employed

    Oh, she already is. Resident (which is to say, doctor-in-training) said she would give jewish patients the incorrect medicines and/or doses, on…

  • #5812: How to make a camera obscura.

    It's so simple a 12-year-old can do it. Step one: get a cardboard box and either some aluminum foil or an aluminum can. Step two: Cut a hole in one…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.