atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#769: Screw it, here's more spam.

I'm getting a lot of repetition of stupid-crap spam. I'm tired of waiting for more good stuff. Here are the ones I can do something even remotely funny with.

Davis discovers the wonders of the oxymoron. Animate the stagnant!

It must be a highly clever advertisement for erectile dysfunction products: "animate the stagnant!"

Dr. Theron Fleming informs me I have a chance to become a real man. YES I DO! In fact, the probability of me becoming a real man is unity--1.00! Why? Because I am already a real man with a Y chromosome and a penis, that's why! (And testicles. Don't want to leave them out. People always forget the testicles.)

Thanks! I'm so glad to know I have a chance of becoming a real man! I am relieved! I was worried!

Dr. Garry Duvall forgets either punctuation or grammar or--more likely--both. "Stop! Feel shy about your aggregate size!" it should say. Or "Stop feeling shy about your aggre--"

You know, wait a second. "Aggregate" generally means "collective". So he must be talking to a group of people or objects that are very small, individually, but taken together, are too damn big. That makes more sense.

Or else "aggregate" is some weird slang term for "penis". I'm not sure. If so, it's not one I've ever heard. But then I had never heard the phrase "fun bags" applied to breasts, either.

Or perhaps it's meant to be ebonics. "Stop feel shy 'bout yo' aggregate, bro! They ain't nothin' wrong with bein' Needleaggregate, the Bugfucker!" Dayum, that Garry gots him a small aggregate! (*snicker*)

* * *

Unfortunately there are only so many ways I can make fun of the "penis enhancement" and "erectile dysfunction" spams.

I got a new variation on the "Nigeria" scam the other day. It was (supposedly) from the Philippines. This woman has $7.9 million that she wants to give to me to use for good deeds.

"I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church or individual that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained."

Let me see: a complete stranger trusts me to get my hands on eight million dollars and spend it the way she tells me? How nice! And all I have to do, I expect, is give them my bank account number, and they'll transfer the $7.9 million into my checking account! They won't use that information to steal money, right?

Yeah, sure.

The worst part is that "she" is cloaking this BS in Christianity.

If I had nothing better to do it might be fun to mess with them--give them a fake account number, maybe missing a digit or something. It'd be great to get the frantic e-mails from them: "That number doesn't work! You have to give us the right one!" Then reply, "Oh, but I did give you the right number! You have to try again, sometimes the bank's computers aren't working." And string 'em along for a couple days, and then finally drop the bomb: "Dear Asshat: I have enjoyed wasting your time, but now I must tell you that I saw through your scam from the beginning and purposely gave you a fake number so you'd waste a lot of time trying to take money from a bank account that didn't exist. You are the scum of the earth and your mama was having sex with a pig when you were conceived. YES YOU ARE THE CHILD OF SWINE, YOU MUST ACCEPT THE TRUTH NOW! HAA HA HA HA HA!" --but I have a life, so F it.

* * *

The sad thing is, that was funnier than the entire rest of this post.

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