November 21st, 2007

#726: It's White Wednesday!

I have only just decided that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the opposite of Black Friday, which must be White Wednesday. Since I have decided this, the world must now re-align itself to meet this decision. I expect results.

(WTF is up with that phrase? "I/We/They expect results." There are always results. They may not be to your liking, "failure" is a result, you know.)

Anyway, in honor of this new holiday, I'm going to reveal the secrets behind the Atomic Fungus ultra-popular news headline post!


Step One: go to news sites and look at headlines. Right-click-open-in-new-tab any that look interesting.

Step 1.5: Curse. Re-start Netscape, go back and open all the links again, avoiding the ones at Fuckers.

Step Two: finish the daily surf with looking over Atomic Fungus for comments.

Step Three: Begin a new post.

Step 3.5: Right-click-open-in-new-tab Atomic Fungus so I can remind myself what number to assign to the new post.

Step Four: < a href=" "> < /a > only without the spaces, copy-and-paste, so I don't have to type it half a dozen times.

Step Five: Read link, copy link, paste it:

...reconsider since the headline isn't really all that interesting, close the link, and go on to the next one.

Step Six:

Come up with a pithy encapsulation of the headline. (In this case, I FAIL!) The link text would end up being something like: De-icing commercial aircraft is apparently easy enough to be accomplished by morons.

But aircraft icing is a serious issue. Ice is heavy, and if it builds up on airfoils it tends to spoil the aerodynamic lift that the engineers tried so hard to maximize, so you get a double-whammy: the aircraft's weight increases dramatically just as its ability to stay in the air is being compromised. End result: crash.

In the comments for that article someone said he spent 14 days in Taiwan and could never have done that without airplanes--sure he could have. There are these things called ships which allegedly allow one to travel across the oceans....

Step Seven: double-check to make sure you're not getting too sarcastic.

Step Eight: Next link, this one about Zimbabwe. (In an expose piece, of course I'm going to have a link about the Big Z!)

Step Nine: Upload funny LOLMugabe image:

Step Ten: LMAO

Step Eleven: Comment while wiping away tears of laughter.

The seizure of formerly private companies is justified under the dubious theory that since the government of Zimbabwe (read: Robert Mugabe) owns the land and mineral rights of Zimbabwe, any company which extracts wealth from said land in fact should belong--mostly, anyway--to the government of Zimbabwe (again, read: Robert Mugabe).
Last month the Zimbabwe parliament passed a Bill to force foreign-owned companies to sell 51 per cent of their shares to black Zimbabweans. Mr Mugabe has yet to sign the Bill into law. Before the platinum company committed itself to its investment the Government signed an agreement guaranteeing that the venture would not be nationalised.
Yeah, that's good. "Ha, we fooled them!" Way to go, douchebag.

Speaking of "douchebag" what about this comment:
Gordon, would the British hand over Platinum mines (if it had any) to be run by the French or Dutch? Why is what is good for the goose not good for the gander? Wouldn't you agree that Zimbabwe is in this state of an economic maelstrom because of Britain's interference in the internal affairs of a sovereign state? There is no way a country that is not at war and has rich mineral resources can have such galloping inflation that is worse off than war-torn countries with no functioning governments e.g Somaliland; unless a hidden hand of western political manipulation is at work
Sure, you see, it's not because Mugabe is a money-hungry power-mad dictator or anything; it's all because of western political manipulation that Zimbabwe's economy is in the toilet. When Zimbabwe was Rhodesia, colony of Britain, there wasn't anything like this taking place--and considering that it stopped being "Rhodesia" sometime in the early 1980s, I fail to see how Britain can be "taking revenge" for giving up a colony.

The fact is, Mugabe is responsible for the state of affairs in Zimbabwe. It's his policies, his government, his fault. Not "western political manipulation".

Step Twelve: This article by Walter Williams ponders whether the "greatest generation" really is that, considering that they didn't pass their values along to their progeny?

He makes some good points in this article.

Step Thirteen: Contemplate adding more; decide you've done enough damage for one day.

Step Fourteen: hit "Post to atomic_fungus" button.

Step Fifteen: See HTML errors in action, curse, edit, resolve to remember to check the Preview first next time.

And that's how the magic happens!

#727: An airliner of SPAM!

Just in time for the heaviest travel week of the year!

Vonda Butts (no relation, I am sure, to Seymour) tells me I can polish my posh style! Awesome! That's what I need: someone with a surname that means ass telling me how to be posh! My life is complete!

"Hard erections killer sex", claims Rufus Pope. I don't want "killer sex". I just want the regular kind, without any dying going on. (I think Rufus needs therapy.)

Shirley Lozano wins an award for spelling, punctuation, and grammar in her interrogative, "Wanna have a hard penis?" Thanks, Shirley, but I can already have one of those whenever I want one--and a lot of times when I don't, to be honest. And I have no need for two.

Dr. William Anderson tells me that science has caught up to the dreams of men! Forget that stuff about flying or going to the moon or stuff; all men ever worry about is how big their equipment is. Once we solve that problem, the small issues like global warming and Al Pacino will just go away.

Fletcher Tillman warns me that his e-mail is only for real men! I'm guessing he's making that specification because he sends a lot of spam to female-to-male transsexuals. Well, I'm pretty sure you're only a real man if you've got a Y chromosome, so I qualify. Hooray!

mr habib kamran wants to transfer $25,000,000 into my checking account! Why, this is my lucky day! He'll let me keep some of it just for letting him use my account for a little while! Even though he doesn't know how to capitalize or use punctuation or grammar, I believe him because it sounds like such freaking awesome easy money! He must be really desperate to send this message to 50,000,000,000 internet users all over the world in hopes that someone, somewhere will heed his plea for help in his desperate situation! I'm confident that this isn't some kind of scam to get my checking account number so he can empty it and live high on the hog for a few days in whatever backwater dirt-poor country he's actually from.

The aptly-named Causing an Erection advertises a drug for erectile dysfunction. I'm sure that Ms. Erection is just as hot as her internet bio suggests. Here I thought Dolly Parton's 44DD chest was something to hear about, but apparently Ms. Erection has a 44DDD chest and wears a bra made from reinforced concrete. (Here I thought "built like a brick s***house" was just an expression.) The seismic activity of those breasts alone is enough for Ms. Erection to live up to her name! I'm in awe!

* * *

On second thought, I should have ended with the nigerain scam one.

#728: I'm with Fred on this one.

Fred on Everything #376: Mayonnaise.
Today, advancement in the public schools depends on race, creed, color, sex, and national origin, on time served, docility, pernicious pseudopsychology, tolerance of pointless make-work, on preference for form over substance. Learning anything is irrelevant. Indeed it is discouraged, as it might increase the self-esteem of the smart. What counts is absorbing group-think like a napkin in a beer spill. The important things are doing witless homework and pasting pictures in stupid projects. This is pure hell for the very bright, and tends strongly to favor girls, who are more likely to do things they know to be stupid.
Emphasis mine.

Sherman, set the Way-Back Machine for Crete-Monee High School, 1983. There I am, in "Consumer Economics", being assigned a project to "furnish a house on a budget". The proof the student must provide that he did the project: cut out pictures of furniture and paste them on sheets of paper representing rooms of the home. *sigh*

Everything Fred says in this article is dead-on. Dead. On.

Public schools are worthless, but even more so to smart kids. I learned more on my own about everything than I learned from the coursework.

Here's how my "ancient history" course was taught:

The teacher would drone slowly, "The Romans, comma, ruled by Julius Caeser, comma, were--" That's right; the teacher dictated notes to the class. I liked that teacher--he was a great guy--but his teaching methods were the worst.

On the other hand you always knew what would be on the tests.

I attended a pretty crappy high school--there is no arguing that point--and I know there are better ones out there. But even attending a "better" high school than CMHS would not have fixed what was wrong with my education; I needed to be in college where (at the time) useful things were still being taught. But I couldn't get out of high school; there was no legal way for me to leave, so instead of getting to learn as much as I possibly could I was forced to plod along with stupid make-work and dictated notes.

Any subject that interested me, I mastered--period. I found physics intensely interesting and I was all over it, but the teacher thought I should be doing busywork instead of learning physics. I had the chapter on lenses and refraction down cold but hadn't done any actual homework--end result, he humiliated me in front of the entire class by spending five minutes dressing me down, in detail, about how I was a poor student etc etc. (Yeah, wonderful teaching technique, eh?) It wasn't that I couldn't determine the answer for a specific problem; it was that I hadn't done it to his specification that annoyed him.

"Consumer economics" is required by Illinois law; a student must pass it in order to graduate--and so it's watered-down, so thoroughly that even the biggest idiot in the class can pass it. I found it such an abysmal waste of neurotransmitters I failed it--twice.

I was reading at a college level in fifth grade. (And possibly earlier. Fifth grade was when I was given a battery of tests to check my intelligence and to see if I had any learning disabilities. Which I didn't.)

But public schools, as Fred mentions, are not there for education. They are there for indoctrination and regimentation. They are pseudo-Marxist in that they call it a success when everyone gets a "B" and no one stands out, regardless of what the kids can do or want to do. Kids must be trained to be good citizens and consumers, not taught how to think for themselves (which is the crime of individualism) or to achieve.

Kids who are incarcerated in public schools achieve in spite of their educations, not because of them.

That's why we have a preponderance of doctors and engineers from foreign countries--that's why we have to have them--because American children are taught according to the Homer Simpson School of Acievement: "You tried, and you failed. The lesson here: 'never try'. Trying is your first step towards failure."

I could say a lot more about this, but it's 8:30 and I have to get ready to go to work. See you all later.