May 12th, 2011

#2711: It just hurts too damn much

I have never, ever done what I did last night.

I prayed to God to end it all.

I asked Him to end it because I'm too tired of hurting all the time. Nothing I do, no choice I have, nothing can lead me anywhere I want to be. I'm lonely and miserable and tired all the time, and that's no way to live.

I came very close to calling 911 and reporting that I was suicidal. Then I thought about it and realize that what I want is not to die; I just want the hurting to stop. Because of that, all I would have gotten from that was an ambulance ride, six hours in the ER, and a discharge with the recommendation that I see a shrink. And a big bill for same. It wouldn't solve anything.

I suffered an emotional breakdown last night. After listening to what Og had to say, I got in the shower; and while I was showering I started crying...and kept on going for more than half an hour at various intensities. While reheating dinner, while staring disinterestedly at the food on my plate, etc.

I didn't cry that much after Mom died. Or maybe I was just saving it up. I don't know.

In order to get to sleep last night, I ended up taking a Xanax, a wine cooler, and a dose of vicodin. Yeah--mixing drugs is so f-ing smart...but I didn't care. I was laying in bed with tears running down my face and I was still trying to make sure I got to work the next day, because I hoped it was just me being more tired than usual and that sleep would help.

It didn't; when I woke up this morning, I had nothing left: although I got out of bed and started getting ready to go to work, I simply could not force myself any closer to leaving for work than feeding the cats. It wasn't the drive and it wasn't the work (which, comments here notwithstanding, I've pretty much enjoyed). I don't know what it is.

What I do know is that I have a pretty serious problem and I don't know how to fix it; I don't even know what it is. It's pretty likely that this issue has done for my job at [employer] (I sent the boss an e-mail explaining myself) but that feels more like a relief than anything else. Later on I will come to regret this, seriously, of course; but whatever my problem is, it's so overwhelming that I can't power through it with guts and determination.

So I laid down in bed, with tears trickling out of my eyes again; and I actually drifted off to sleep that way for about an hour. I called the plant at 7:15 and told 'em I wouldn't make it today, then fell asleep until noon.

I sent e-mails aboput all this to various interested parties, but could not do anything else. The idea of food was nauseating, but I had a peanut butter sandwich before I went back to bed. Slept until 4, at which point I could not put off eating real food any longer and hit McDonald's. And even with the Big Mac sitting next to me, I don't really feel like eating anything.

*sigh*

Maybe I'll just go back to bed.