atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#1485: More about that abomination in #1484.

It's as if the people behind that thing read Watchmen and said to themselves, "Okay, how can we fuck up everything in that book?"

I imagine the pitch for this thing. The pitchmen are flying to Great Britain and eagerly discussing how they'll "knock 'em dead" with their pitch, culminating with the video. They're wondering why the hell Moore and Gibbons said that they didn't think it would make a good show for kids--this stuff is gold!

So on the day they sit down with the creators and talk about market penetration, royalties, merchandising, blah-blah-blah...and then show them the cartoon.

Moore, I imagine, gets up and leaves in a huff about fifteen seconds in. Gibbons sits through the whole thing. And the pitchmen whisper among themselves: Does he like it? He's not smiling. The other guy left. What does that mean?

The video ends, the lights go up, the pitchmen turn to Gibbons. "So...what do you think?"

In my imagination, Gibbons says, "I think it's a bloody shame you lot lived through your childhood diseases. When you rung us up you should have just said 'we took a maggoty, runny shit all over your story'; you could have saved us all a lot of bother."

Then he gets up and ambles out, leaving the pitchmen in stunned silence.

* * *

The cartoon--in case you didn't watch it, for which I would genuflect to your wisdom--takes every single story element and turns it on its head.

Rorschach is a jolly guy with a silly voice, always clowning around. (And he loves animals.) Silk Spectre is a rock star; the Comedian is her greatest fan and wants her to kiss him. They show Ozymandias saving the Comedian after he's thrown through the window of his high-rise apartment. Bubastis talks and has a silly voice.

I would not doubt that--in this version--the Black Freighter is crewed by the cast of Hello Kitty and plasters the world with happy stickers.

All that stuff in the comic which makes the story complex--and which made it new and successful in 1985--is the stuff that keeps it from being "safe for children". If Watchmen had originally approximated that horrible trailer it would have vanished without a trace.

In the real version, Rorschach is anything but "jolly". Laurie didn't even want to be "Silk Spectre". The Comedian--well, there's something wrong with him wanting Laurie's kiss, let me just say that. (In order not to spoil the story for the five or six people out there who still haven't read the GN.) And the other stuff--O Lord.

* * *

Maybe the pitchmen thought that the money would be enough for Gibbons and Moore to say, "Yeah, what the hell." I don't know. I do know that even mercenary old me would say "not just no, but 'hell no'" to someone mangling one of my stories like that.

After reading the Wikipedia entry on it I doubt that Moore was even in the pitch meeting--he won't see the film and refuses to have his name attached to it.

Assuming this isn't some kind of parody, then the fact that this cartoon never entered real production is indeed a sign that God exists.

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