I watched the playlist:
Mermaid Forest TV
Vampire Princess Miyu TV
Rosario to Vampire Capu 2
Ai Yori Aoshi
Hayate no Gotoku 2
...and then watched eleven episodes of Toradora! in a row. It's a good show; I was really enjoying it. And in fact the only reason I stopped at eleven is that my butt hurts from sitting in the same chair all night, and I'm finally getting tired.
Well, I did take a Xanax at 7:45 AM, making it just 15 minutes shy of 24 hours since my last dose of the stuff. Yay me; another blow stricken for my relatively strict policy of only taking drugs when I actually need them.
I watched one set of each ep on the playlist, then played WoW for a little bit. I had originally intended to play WoW on the laptop while reclining in bed, but something in the most recent patch for WoW stopped it from working correctly on the laptop and I'm going to have to fix it--so I thought, WTF, I'll just watch more anime.
Since I had finished with Mermaid Forest, I decided to add Toradora!; and about 70% of the way through the first ep I decided I wanted to watch more of it. The next thing I knew, ep 11 was over. Heh.
* * *
I honestly don't know how I feel about things right now.
I feel mad; then I feel unbearably depressed; then I feel fine; then I have a burst of optimism; then I feel something else. There's no pattern to it. I've caught myself doing the "denial" thing a couple of different ways, of course.
All this is why I need the Xanax: it damps the oscillation so that I can sleep, and so that I can handle everyday life without flying into a destructive rage at petty frustrations, or collapsing into a blubbering heap. The emotional turmoil is normal. Knowing this does not make it one iota easier to handle. But I am already getting to a place where I can reduce my intake of the stuff.
The opening theme from Ai Yori Aoshi is going to end up being the theme song for this period of my life, though. I like the song; problem is it has been going through my head nearly non-stop for the past several days. Five years from now I'll hear it and be reminded of all this shit. Argh etc.
But in five years this won't hurt as much as it does now, either. It's been two years since I went to the Philippines, and I'm able to say Marlene's name again.
...and the cold, calculating part of my brain is comparing the two experiences: which was worse? Does this hurt less? And if so, is it because of the prior experience? Or does it hurt more because another man was involved?
That part of my mind amazes me to no end: thoughts come from that part of me during the worst emotional turmoil and they are absolutely cryogenic; I can usually count on that part of me to keep me from lashing out at random like a wounded animal. Its logic is irrefutable even to a mind that's gyrating wildly, and it is never wrong.
Just as often, though, I end up rejecting some of its conclusions: Here are the good aspects of this event:.... In nearly every case, there have turned out to be benefits to the painful situations; but when you're in the middle of the first tidal wave of crushing pain you're not (at least, I am not) able to brush that aside and focus on the good parts. That comes later.
So here I am, in the middle of it again, and I know it's going to be at least a week before I can even think straight--and on the plus side, since I'm unemployed anyway, it's not going to affect my job performance. I can mope and sleep and watch anime all night and no one's going to get angry at me for it.
Ultimately, binging on anime is probably better for me than binging on booze would be, anyway. I'm glad I'm not tempted to drink my problems away.
* * *
We turned on the heat last night. We'd been trying to make it to October--Dad never wanted to turn the heat on before October, and both Mom and I have the same habit--but it just got too cold in here. When we finally did turn it on, it was 66° in the house and it felt chilly even to me.
So, we missed it by a couple days. Oh well. There'll be more warm days where we won't need it running, so WTF.
* * *
Best line in Toradora, at least so far: when Taiga says, "Of course, I made it rain blood...." I laughed.