atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#2412: God, it must be awful to have such a small penis.

I decided on Taco Bell for dinner. There is very little pre-prepared food (pot pies or whatev) in the house, because I've been putting off shopping for too long; also neither Mom nor I are capable of cooking anything edible from the raw materials we do have on hand. She's still got the back pain, and I'm still sick.

Anyway, I had about $3, so I hit Mom's ATM for cash for food; and as I drove down Main Street to get to it I drove past these two crotch rocket douchebags. Their bikes were parked at the curb, running, and one of them kept revving his engine with brief bursts of full throttle: BLAAA! BLAAA! BLAAAAA!

First off--when is someone going to break down and tell the motorcycle industry about the miracle which is the automatic choke? I mean, a joke's a joke and all, but this is starting to get ridiculous. It's gone beyond the funny part into the painful area where you realize, Oh, God, this guy is utterly clueless, and you're trying to decide whether or not you should tell him you've been pulling his leg all along, because he is not getting it, and you're starting to feel a little guilty for pulling a prank on such a gullible person.

An automatic choke would make all that idling and revving and associated douchebaggery completely unnecessary. (Oh, wait, I get it: motorcycle sales would plummet.) The same guys who denigrate the Harley guys because Harleys are built using 1950s technology themselves can't be bothered with something as technologically advanced as an automatic choke. (Yes, I am using the ironic mode there.)

Motorcycle industry: "What? You mean, there's a way to actuate the choke without a thumb lever?" *sigh*

Second--that revving bit does nothing but make excessive noise. It doesn't do anything to speed the warming of the engine. Look: an unloaded engine uses a miniscule amount of fuel at idle; it uses a slightly larger miniscule amount of fuel with the throttle open. Because the engine is unloaded, you don't have to open the throttle very far to make the engine race; and because it takes so little extra fuel to make tne engine run faster, it's not going to warm up any quicker than if you just let the engine idle quietly.

"I gotta keep my plugs clear, man!" ...if your spark plugs are fouling at idle, your goddamned motorcycle needs a tune up. Or else it's not the miracle of technology you think it is. Either way, it sucks, and I'm not impressed.

...so I get my money and circle the block and head off, forgetting the crotch rocket retards. I get to the light at Steger Road; lo and behold, the crotch rocket morons pull up behind me, still revving their engines at each other and yelling their conversation loud enough that I can almost understand it from insde my closed vehicle.

Light turns green, off I go. One of them rides on the yellow line, close to my rear bumper, to show me he's behind me and really unhappy that I'm not capable of going faster than the car in front of me.

Jeeze, I'm sorry. It's a Jeep, not a Ferrari. Besides, that whole "phase through solid matter" thing has, so far, eluded me. I promise I'll work on it.

Anyway, so a gap opens up in the right lane, so idiot stick revs up his engine and pulls up alongside me, a bit ahead...and then blips his throttle some two or three times, hard enough to make the front wheel almost leave pavement; then he looks over at me, as if to say, "What're you gonna do about it?" before allowing himself to drop back again.

To say that I was not impressed is understating the situation. I rolled my eyes. What a douche.

Yes I'm not driving as fast as I could be. Yes your motorcycle can accelerate faster than my Jeep can. Yes I know you're unhappy about this.

No I don't give a rat's ass.

Yes you've demonstrated to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have a painfully tiny penis. The one bright spot in all this is that you managed to do so without actually dropping your pants. Thanks for that.

I hope your motorcycle idiocy doesn't get you killed.
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