Here I sit after getting four goddamned hours of sleep. That's after going for seventeen hours yesterday on less than four hours of sleep; one would think that a person who pushed himself that fucking hard would be able to get some goddamned sleep. I was in bed at 8:30. I didn't fall to sleep until after 11, and that required Xanax. And then I woke up at 3:30.
I can't do this.
It doesn't matter how good the money is if I get into a wreck because I fell asleep at the wheel. Working 100 miles from home means driving four hours per day--I've timed each and every trip and it's never been less than 1.75 hours--and if there's anything I have do to besides go to work and come home I have to run at top speed. I spent the three hours after getting home yesterday on chores, including making myself dinner so that I could actually eat a home-cooked meal rather than fast food, and I ended up having time only to shower before going to bed.
For the past week I have been worried that what I was struggling with was sheer laziness: for the past couple of years my main job (taking care of Mom) has not involved a lot of real serious work, and I was thinking that I'd gotten too comfortable.
But there are limits to what you can do on determination alone. And when you're spending 12 waking hours just on work--and getting to it and coming home from it--there's not a lot left over for anything else in your life.
I don't want to live in Rantoul. Forget the fact that I don't like the feel of the area; I have no support structure there. No family, no friends; and that's what I hated about being in the hotel there last week: that's what I have to look forward to if I continue this. Go to work, come home, eat something, watch anime/play WoW. Go to bed and do it again the next day; and God help you if you get locked out of your house or need help with moving a piece of furniture, because there's no one around to help you. Being alone all the time because you suck at making new friends.
In the past week I've been struggling with all this because I can't stomach the idea of quitting--and only after a week at that--but damn it, I'm not seeing any upside to all of this other than income, and it's simply not enough incentive for me.
I'd rather work some $10-per-hour job around here than drive four hours per day just to get to work. I mean, if I were being paid to drive it wouldn't be such a problem; if it were part of the job (such as a job like Og's got, doing on-site service) it wouldn't be an issue either. Especially since it wouldn't mean getting up at 4 AM every day to get to work by 7.
If it were an hour's drive, rather than two, that would be doable too.
But get up at 4:30 in order to leave by 5 to get to work by 7, work until 3:30 and then drive for two more hours to get home by 5:30, leaving you three hours for everything else before bed?
"People do it!" They do. I'm not "people"; I'm me. I'm pretty weak and stupid, but I know my limits, and I've hit them. I'm not proud of it and I really wish it were otherwise, but what the hell can I possibly do?