atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#2700: THAT is what it is.

Trying to get things put together so I can do what needs doing, so there are a bunch of phone calls back and forth, and my brother told me something that hit the nail on the head.

All the stress and pain and everything just poured right out of me. I'm kind of embarassed to say that I cried like a freakin' baby for five minutes, but when he finished saying it, I realized THAT'S WHAT IT IS and I couldn't help myself.

Item: I'm in a situation where I must not fail. It's a good job with a good future, and it pays very well, and the skills I gain there are highly portable.

Item: I've been given nebulous goals at best. The conditions for success over the course of this trial period have not been defined for me. I don't know how to succeed, nor do I know how well I'm doing. No one has told me, "Good job! We're happy with how things are going!" or, in fact, given me any feedback about my performance. I don't even know what their plans are outside of a vague "Well, we're going to see how things go again next week...."

Item: When people have to do well in situations where they don't know what "well" is, it is frightening, highly stressful, and depressing.

It fits! It fits perfectly, and the instant he said it tears began running down my face because I knew that is what my fuckin' problem is with all this.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail, because no one has told me what "success" entails, and I'm not getting any feedback from the people in charge. That's why I approached all this with dread; that's why I can't get my enthusiasm up; that's why I feel better as the day continues.

That last point: I start working, no one yells at me, everthing is fine; so I just do my job and it all works out. But the instant I'm done working, the brain starts back up and I remember no one has said whether or not I'm still working here next week and what am I supposed to be doing?

Understanding the problem is at least half of solving it.

So my next move--well, I really have got stuff I need to do now. Now that I understand why I have been unable to approach this job with the right attitude, that should change, because I can take steps to fix the problem.

So, off I go.
Subscribe

  • #7869: Here comes the rain (again)

    Up a bit after sunrise, did the pre-blog surf and found nothing I really wanted to comment about; but in the meantime the light coming in from…

  • #7868: STOP DOING THIS

    Trying to read an article about how artificial intelligence is racist, and the text is some moderate value of grey on a white background in a…

  • #7867: I sure wouldn't mind going

    So, today was the last day for a coworker whose technical knowledge we will sorely miss. They don't have anyone to replace him--having known about…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments