Yesterday's total food intake consisted of a peanut butter sandwich, half of a Big Mac (most of the fries), and a couple of sundae cones. I got up a bit ago with the intention of cooking some ravioli, but now I'm not so sure I want it.
Although it is still the worst depressive episode I have ever had in my life, at least now I'm starting to think about other things. The grass needs cutting. I ought to talk to the insurance agency about insuring the Escort. Etc.
...but I have no motivation whatsoever. This is crippling depression.
[Boss] has gone very, very far beyond the limits of common decency and understands that I'm having a serious problem that isn't my fault, and is trying to work with me; but I feel like what I'm doing is worthy of firing...and so his efforts make me feel both better and worse about all this.
Why this has to hit when I'm trying to start a new job--
You know, my parents are dead. But as long as I live here, my subconscious can pretend that Mom's still alive, like she's just gone out somewhere.
If that's what it is--delayed mourning--then eventually I'll get through it and can resume living. But if it's not--if it really is clinical depression--then I have to get help from a shrink and I have to get something that'll shut this shit off, because otherwise the only alternative is going on disability.
I need help. I don't want to lose this job over this, but from here it doesn't look like I can continue it as long as I'm struggling with this. I can't stomach the idea of even leaving the house when I feel like nothing in the world matters.
Worst part: whatever is wrong with me, I know it's temporary, that it'll go away and I'll feel better. That's the only thing that's keeping me from needing to call 911 and reporting that I'm suicidal; though I can't imagine feeling better I know I will...once I get past this, whatever the hell it is.
It might be best just to go to the hospital anyway, because while I don't want to die the thoughts keep coming to me, and I'm really worried that one will slip past my guard and end up making some kind of sense.
So I've got to come to some kind of decision about what I'm going to do. I don't see a good path forward; I also don't see any alternatives.
Not wanting to take a job 100 miles from home, not wanting to be unemployed, that's an "avoid/avoid" conflict, and those are pretty hard on a person. Og says that I'm putting far too much pressure on myself, that if the job is going to cause me this much trouble I should just walk away from it and find something else. He may be right; but besides disappointing [employer] I'd be letting my brother and sister down, too.
Og, Len, Rhonda, KT, Carl, [boss]--I'm surrounded by good people and I'm doing nothing but giving them hardship. Really, my entire life has been a parade of stupidity and selfishness and I'd probably be doing everyone a favor by offing myself.
But I can't do that. Which is why I keep coming back to Lord, take me now!
...so I need professional help. That much is certain. Really it comes down to a question of how do I get it on a weekend?