atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#2715: I think I've come to some conclusions

My brother did come by after all, a little while after I'd gone back to bed. He had a bunch of things to say, all of which I listened to. Much of it made sense; some was obvious cajolery, as usual. He's trying to help, and doing a pretty fair job of it.

It's pretty clear to me that I have a bunch of unresolved issues which are keeping me from doing the things I have to do, and want to do. I need to clear them up before I can do anything useful, and I can't do that without help and I can't do it alone.

Now is not the time to be moving.

The job in Rantoul is a good job and a good fit...but right now I just can't do it. It's the right thing at the wrong time, and if I had just listened to my instincts I could have saved all of us a lot of wasted time and effort.

My brother cited a saying our mother used to employ: "Assume a virtue you do not feel." It means that even if you don't feel like moving, move anyway. He had other things to say in the same vein, personal experiences from his time as a medical resident. I've heard it all before, and in the past three weeks I have done my best to employ it...but the emotional issues are overwhelming my best efforts.

I cannot just ignore these feelings. I can't just push past them; I've tried.

My brother made the point that this looks like a grief reaction, to the loss of my mother. He may be right; then again that may only be part of it. I'm not in any condition to argue the point and he's not a psychiatrist; but even if it is "just" grief, it's the most overwhelming, consuming wave of grief I've ever had to deal with. I can't handle it.

In all the pain and hardship I've endured--like high school--I never asked God to end it all. Suicide was never an option. But the pain I've experienced in the past three days is blacker and more intense than anything I've ever dealt with before, and it seems far beyond mere grief...or maybe I just never understood the depths of despair as much as I thought.

What I do know is that I can't do this thing and pursue the help I need.

It may mean that I'm weak; it may mean that I'm a failure; it may mean any number of things that do not paint me in a flattering light. I am who I am--a weak and foolish man--and I do not have the strengths that many others take for granted in themselves.

I had thought, periodically, after Mom's death, That was too easy. I had mourned, but the pain had seemed less than expected; I chalked it up to knowing that she was frail and expecting something of the sort.

I was wrong.

One of the things my brother pointed out was that--of all the kids--I was closest to Mom solely because I saw her every day, lived with her, took care of her...and she was my support structure. I have no wife, no children, no family of my own; I don't even have a girlfriend. I have a few friends but friends are not family. So this was particularly devastating to me; only I didn't realize how thoroughly I've actually gone to pieces until my face was rubbed in it.

Mom did employ that saying, "Assume a virtue you do not feel," and used it a lot...but I also know that she wanted us to be happy. Both times that I was engaged, she was very happy for me; both times the engagements ended, her response to the news was a tearful, "It's not fair!" This is the same woman whose rejoinder to that statement from a child was inevitably, "Life isn't fair."

I think if she were here, and saw what kind of suffering I'm experiencing, she'd tell me, "Quit the damn job if it's going to be like this."

I don't know, exactly, what I'll do about employment. I need to do something, but it just has to pay for food and insurance and WoW for a few years. I have no idea how long it'll take me to beat this, but I've got on the order of two years before this place sells (and I have places I can go afterwards--assuming they'll have me, which I'm sure they will) and I can try this kind of career again once I'm no longer such an emotional wreck.

That's really all I can say about the matter without repeating myself.

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