atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#2731: A pleasant summer evening.

Yeah, summer doesn't actually start until June 21, blah blah blah, etcetera. Close enough.

...after watching anime, I decided on a walk. It's in the sixties outside, the dewpoint in the fifties; it's extremely nice out. Not a cloud in the sky; so I took a bit of a walk and enjoyed it.

Well--"enjoyed" is relative. The walk was consumed with thoughts about my brother and sister and how they view my situation.

My brother "studied" depression during his psych rotation; my sister doesn't even have that much experience--and they've both made it plain that they do not understand what happened or why.

I need someone to explain it to them. They won't listen to me.

My brother's response to my statement that you can't just push past clinical depression--the stuff about how he studied it in med school--I keep coming back to it; and I keep thinking, "it's like telling a guy with a broken leg just to 'walk it off'."

It's like telling a guy with a compound fracture of the femur--with the jagged end of the bone sticking out of his damn thigh!--to "walk it off". Rub some dirt on it, it'll be fine.

No. It doesn't work like that.

Like everyone else, I've had the blues before. Sad periods where I was all "ho, hum" and felt kind of down. I realized today that know how to deal with that; I do it all the time: just ignore the sad feelings and do what needs doing. I did it today when I went to church; I did it again when I hit Harbor Freight and started on the patio. I'm used to that kind of feeling and have plenty of coping mechanisms for it.

But that four-day period--nothing in my life prepared me for that. I had never been in that kind of space before, where the world was in black-and-white and I didn't care about bathing or even eating, where I couldn't leave the house and was unable even to remember not feeling the way I did right then.

"Walk it off." Yeah.

The cajolery, the guilt trips, all the other things--none of it helped matters one whit. I'm not well; I'm stable--I keep saying it because I need to remind myself that I still need help.

I tried my best not to engage my sister when she stormed in here with her irate words and guilt trips; I couldn't articulate the things I needed to communicate to her and she wouldn't have listened to me anyway. I couldn't think around the anger and the vitriol she was throwing at me. A lot of the charges were unfair but I couldn't explain that either.

I can see the parallel between her situation and mine last summer, when Mom got out of the hospital and wasn't eating or doing anything, and I got angry. I can just barely understand that perhaps this is where my sister was--seeing me acting kind of withdrawn, getting frightened that I might be backsliding, and then getting angry at me because I wasn't behaving correctly. I can understand it, but I can't accept it.

"You haven't done this! You haven't done that! I took two weeks off from work and drove eighteen hours to get up here! I had to clean the house and cut the grass, and I have to drive eighteen hours to get home, and when I get home I have to clean my house and cut my grass!" Unloading like that on someone with clinical depression--it's like tripping a blind man.

I'm pretty banged up, emotionally. My pain is still with me, and added to it is the fact that I lost an excellent job because of what happened. I'm coping as best I can with a new reality, one where I deliberately injured myself--however minor the injury was--because I couldn't take the pain any longer.

Coping with it means not looking too far ahead. Worry about tomorrow, not next year. Deliberately do not think about any of the long-term stuff because all you can see from here is more of the same; and thinking about that will land you right back in the psych ward. I can make positive little plans (such as how I'd like to celebrate the 4th of July) but I can't think about the major things.

Yeah, it sucks.

* * *

But the walk was nice. The air is cool, and when I got home I opened my bedroom window and stuck the fan in, because it's a damn sight cheaper than running the AC.

As for the anime:

Fairy Tail ep 46--my God, I just cannot get my head around how incredibly awesome Erza is. She's so f-ing heroic it makes my head spin. Holy crap.

The rest of the playlist is new stuff. Fractale looks good. Dragon Crisis has shitty OP and ED themes but the story seems okay. To Aru Majutsu no Index II is more nifty stuff happening in Academy City. (Misaki, Kuroko, and Uiharu are in the OP sequence. Saten is not. *sob*)

(And, BTW, this time the windmills are turning the right way. Someone must've clued them in.)

* * *

Having a cup of ramen before bed--

My appetite has been screwed up today. I'm worried that it's depression trying to sneak its way back in, but the fact is that I did get hungry and I did eat; it's just that today I only ate when it was convenient for me...and my body actually let me get away with it. For once.

Total intake consisted of a can of Slim Fast for breakfast; lunch was a chicken wing and breast with half a cup of cole slaw. Dinner was two McDoubles ($1 double cheeseburgers, only without the cheese or pickles) and my "hour of sleep" snack is this here cup of shrimp ramen.

Not exactly a well-rounded menu--I get that--and it is less than I normally eat. But that's not all bad, since I still have a gut on me.

...when I was weighed in the psych hospital, I learned that I'd lost about 14 lbs sometime in the past seven months. If only that could continue!

I had planned to take the walk, come home, and eat ramen; when I got home I didn't feel hungry enough to bother. But sitting here and writing, I realized, "Dude, if you try to sleep with your gut empty, you won't sleep, and you know it." Then I realized, I'm hungry! so I toddled off to the kitchen.

Could be worse.

* * *

While I was languishing in the ER some three weeks ago (already!) I whiled away some of the time by trying to think of new stories.

The SF novel I loaned to Og and others--which got rave reviews--is set during a kind of interregnum, and while I lay there bored out of my mind I realized I could tell other stories in that time period without stepping on that novel. So I began thinking--what stories could/would/should I tell?

All I really managed was to think of a couple of minor ideas, but my creative process is kind of insidious; I expect an idea to come to me, fully formed, sometime relatively soon...and it'll be awesome.

* * *

I've been thinking about re-watching Sketchbook: Full Colors, mainly because I've seen it one time and I have the theme song memorized in Japanese. I know kind of what the words mean, but not all of them. Besides, it's the kind of anime series which is meant to be relaxing and pleasant, with no real conflict. (This is an actual genre of anime, though I'm switched if I can think of another example.)

I could use more "relaxing and pleasant" in my life. A lot more.

...and then I think about re-watching Minami-ke, too. I like the OP for that series. That one, I don't know any of the words of the actual song, but I can hit all the flourishes from the backup singers with perfect timing.

Example:

main vocals: "minami kaze kuru kuru"
backup singers, right after: "kuru kuru!"
Main vocals: "sukaato de baruun hikou Let's go!"
backup singers: haaai hai hai hai!

...And now I can learn the words. Oh well; it had to happen sooner or later, I guess.
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