I mean, way too hard. I've been given the task to figure out why I'm so hard on myself. The exercise is meant to make me realize that there is no reason for me being so self-critical...but in fact I think I already knew that: I'm beating myself up for absolutely no purpose.
Keeping the old ego in check? Why do I need that? All I have to do is take a realistic look at myself to accomplish that; why do I have to emphasize the negative? So what I need to do is figure out why there's a constant drumbeat of lazy and stupid and undesirable and pain in the ass and incompetent and inconsiderate and clumsy and slow always rattling around in my brain.
The only thing I can think of: I've lost a lot of friends. The first group I lost in 1994; after painfully rebuilding, I lost the second in 2004. The only common thread in these situations was me--and so if I look at it logically, obviously I must've done something wrong. It must've been all me, right?
It is just possible that circumstances beyond my control led to these situations. I was the one who suffered the most from it, but that doesn't mean it was my fault. Does it?
There really are two ways to look at this. The first is, everything was all my fault. The other is, those guys were dicks because they stopped accepting me for who I was. (Okay, and a third: shit happens.)
Besides that, there's the near-constant emotional abuse that comprised the bulk of my public school "education". I'm sure that didn't help any.
Gadzooks, I'm a mess. Then again, if I weren't, I wouldn't have ended up in the psych ward, would I? Kind of funny how that works.
That's why I'm seeing the therapist, after all: to become less of a mess. And by thinking about these things, maybe I can realize that I'm not stupid or inconsiderate or lazy or any of the other things.
* * *
...the weather has performed as predicted; it hit 94° outside and it's humid as a jungle. Dayum.
I've been wanting to take a walk in the woods, but it's friggin' hot outside and I'm still suffering from a near-total lack of motivation. *sigh*
Well, I'll take the walk, but you had better appreciate it.
* * *
Here's the page of Maison Ikkoku from whence I get that last line, included here for context.
Go here to read the chapter it's from.
Go here to start at the beginning. Maison Ikkoku is worth your time; it's one of my all-time favorite manga series.