The dinner is accompanied by the "Not-So-Talented Talent Show", where folks get up and do things meant to amuse and entertain. Several weeks ago he asked me if I'd consider doing a dramatic reading.
'Way back in the first unit I was present for, in July or August, we had a little reading to do and I asked to read the part of the pharisee--and I used my version of John Schuck's "Klingon ambassador" voice (from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home) and greatly amused everyone in the group. It's just the perfect voice for an arrogant part, and the instant I saw the script I knew that was what I wanted to do.
But I couldn't think of anything to read for this deal, and wasn't really sure I wanted to do it at all. Nah, I'll just bring a bucket of apple crisp and eat--
He called me this afternoon with a proposition: he and I would team up. I'd read and he'd provide sound effects and such.
And this is the source from which I'd read.
So I'll be reading--in the upper-crustiest, hoity-toityest voice I can manage--and he'll be providing sound effects and holding up images from the book while I read.
This ought to be a scream.
The only problem is, of course, the disdain in which I hold the word "fart"--but that'll just help this, because I intend to play it like I'm dismayed that I have to read this aloud in front of people.
Here's what I imagined starting with: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, Mr. [chairman] and I are presenting to you a dramatic reading. I must preface this performance by mentioning that Mr.[chairman] contacted me just last night with this idea; I therefore beg your indulgence as we haven't had time to rehearse our reading of..."
And there, I actually look at the book I've only just picked up (or had handed to me) and do my damnedest to radiate dismay; and then, with all the disdain I can pretend to hide, I say bleakly, "The Gas We Pass: The Story of..." A sigh, and then, "The Story of...Farts."
It really ought to be funny.