atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#3413: Why am I awake now?

I went to bed at 1 AM because I was tired; but I couldn't sleep.

Whole lot of things going through my mind, things I've spent years trying to find answers for and still haven't:

Why do I have so much trouble with women?

It doesn't seem like there's anything wrong, but something must be wrong considering the situation. I don't meet many; the ones I do meet are taken or insane. (Or both.)

I'm reasonably good-looking. I have all my parts (except for my appendix, which no one cares about anyway) and I'm a nice guy with a good sense of humor. Yet here I am, 2.6 years from the end of my last relationship, and nothing.

It would be considerably easier if I was an amoral douchebag who didn't care about anything but his own pleasure, I suppose. As hard as I've tried to jettison the romantic in me, I'm apparently stuck with it. This relegates me to "beta" status, which is effectively no status in our post-feminist, post-sexual-revolution world.

Why don't I have a career?

The longest-term job I ever had was working part-time (32 hours a week) as a computer technician. That lasted about five years. I tried making a career out of it, but our economy needed fewer computer techs after Clinton decided to hit Microsoft with an antitrust suit (thus popping the dot com bubble). Besides, when I got a job as a tech writer, that was what I'd really wanted to do anyway--but we all know how that turned out.

It used to be that when I'd get down on myself about this and complain about it to Mom, she'd point out that I was just having an extended unlucky streak. She's not around any more to reassure me with that, but it feels better than saying, "Because you're a failure!"

This, of course, also has an effect on the issue above. If you're unemployed that typically translates to "unemployed loser" and is an automatic disqualifier for getting chicks. At least, when you're "nice guy who cares about more than his own pleasure", it is.

Does anything ever make sense?

The older I get, the less sense the world makes to me. I've adjusted to the fact that my parents had good intentions when they taught me about hard work and perserverance, but that the world doesn't actually work that way. I learned all kinds of things from my Dad about character and integrity and honor...but I didn't learn until much later--after his death, in fact--that none of that matters a lick when the people in charge have none. And usually, they got to where they are because they lack those qualities, or in spite of having them. I have met a vanishingly small number of people in positions of authortiy over me who got there via hard work and character, rather than applying their lips to the correct asses.

What's the point of being moral and ethical when no one else is?

I can't answer that question. I don't know what the point is; I only know that there is one and it matters--which is why I don't go look for an easy lay on Craigslist (or Adult Friend Finder or WTF-ever) and which is why I remain scrupulously honest in my dealings, and why I refuse to compromise on my principles even as they make me miserable.

I don't have good answers that I can verbalize other than this shit is important and I cannot and will not lightly abandon it solely because it makes things easier.

If you're so smart, why ain't you rich?

That's something Heinlein said time and again, in various stories of his. I supposedly am very, very intelligent. In 5th grade I was given a series of tests that demonstrated I was a genius. I was reading at a freshman college reading level back then, around age 10. There were some words I didn't know how to pronounce ("sepulchur" for example) but I knew what they meant, and although I'm probably not as high on the IQ score now as I was back then I'm still much smarter than the average bear.

...and it's done me exactly zero good.

It hasn't made me any money and it doesn't get me laid. If I had been born with an average brain instead of the one I got, would I be better off?

My Mom smoked throughout all her pregnancies. They say smoking is detrimental to the IQ of the baby. What if she hadn't smoked? Would I have taken over the world by now? Was I born just smart enough to do myself no good? Is this a bad thing?

No matter what teachers and school counselors and parents told me, though, I never failed to feel stupid and ineffective, except in a few narrowly-defined situations. The classic "brain" type: high intelligence quotient and perilously low social quotient. I can figure out what's wrong with your laser printer in about ten minutes but I can't get a date to save my life--yeah.

And people who are the other way around are a lot happier than I am.


* * *

I don't even know what this is supposed to be doing for me. Call it the quarterly allotment of whining as required by the LiveJournal Terms of Service, and leave it at that.

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