atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,
atomic_fungus
atomic_fungus

#3630: Making hard choices seems to be the theme of this week.

If you haven't read them before, go back to May of 2011 and read some of the posts, particularly starting on May 12th and going forward. Be warned, though: it's depressing stuff.

The point is, I was in danger of being right back there again.

The very next day after the linked post, I said, "Og says that I'm putting far too much pressure on myself, that if the job is going to cause me this much trouble I should just walk away from it and find something else."

I've heard it from others since then, and I wish I'd been smart enough last year to heed his advice...and this time I'm taking it.

Last year, I found myself in a very difficult place, and ended up scratching myself with a razor blade in order to find a way out of it. That gave me the "out" I needed, the path to ending the avoid-avoid conflict. It also cost me some $2,700 in hospital fees, doctor fees, ER fees, ambulance fees, fee fees, and the horse I rode in on--almost literally, as I could have bought quite a nice motorcycle for that. It cost me my FOID card and two weeks in the psych ward. It also cost my family and friends quite a lot of angst they did not need.

This time? This time I talked to my therapist, and my fiancee, and prayed over it...and came to the conclusion that I can't do this, that if I try I'm just going to lose my shit and end up in the psych ward again.

My exhaustion--and falling asleep while driving--was a symptom, not a cause; and it means that I have to be a lot more careful about how I approach the "career" facet of this big life rebuilding project I embarked on in June of 2011.

Here's what I wrote to Lemonzen earlier:
I have to be out of the house for twelve hours a day, and have perhaps 3 hours in which to do *everything else* (bathe, cook, pay bills, shop, etc) before I MUST be in bed for the next day. On this schedule I cannot go to either Bible study (that keeps me up past 9 PM) or choir (which keeps me up until 8) so I am, in effect, unable to go to those activities if I want to get 8 hours of sleep and be able to function the next day. 8 hours of sleep is 7 PM to 3 AM, more or less; if I have to get up at 3:30 in order to leave the house at 4:15, I MUST be in bed by 7 PM. Especially since I don't go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow--it usually takes some time for me to fall asleep even when I'm really tired. And of course I wake up in the middle of the night to hit the can, so I don't get 8 hours of sleep even if I do get to sleep at 7 and have the alarm set at 3:30.
She has been extremely supportive throughout all of this, and is 100% behind me. More, I cannot ask.

We had three chances to talk today; and our last conversation occurred after I should have been asleep. I did go to sleep around 8-ish...then woke up at 9:30, completely, and was unable to sleep. I was depressed, and crying, and was--in every respect--in exactly the same emotional state as in May of 2011, when I had that job in Rantoul. I called Lemonzen; she and I talked for about an hour, and at the end of it I'd made my mind up on what had to be done.

So I resigned the position at Michaels. Sent an e-mail to the HR person who offered me the job saying I was regretfully resigning blah blah blah etcetera.

It's not an optimal solution, but it's a damned sight better than continuing to try until I get so depressed I feel like cutting myself is the only way out.

...already have begun looking for a new job, though--put an app in at CompUSA via the Internet Wednesday afternoon, and there are a few other places I'm going to have a gander at later today (Thursday) or perhaps tomorrow.

But while sitting here and thinking things over, I realized that what I ought to look for, right now, is a part time job. Jumping right into a full-time job seems to be part of the problem.

It's Man's lot to live by the sweat of his brow and I have no objection to earning a living; I just can't seem to do it very well. It's something I've got to work through; I had thought it was simply a question of sufficient distance from Mom's death but it's obviously a lot more complicated than that.

I honestly thought I was ready.

Well, besides looking for a new job, I'm also going to embark on a new project: I'm going to write some short stories and try to sell them. I have some ideas (and a few roughs in the can) that I can start with, and I might be able to make something out of them. We'll have to see--but if I did that, and could make a few bucks here and there, it would help.

Also, there's my promise to Lemonzen to shop [Release Candidate 1] to at least one or two publishers by the end of the year. Selling a novel would be huge.

And maybe that's why the Lord is putting me through this. You never know.
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