atomic_fungus (atomic_fungus) wrote,

#3631: How joyous it is. (Sarcasm.)

After how yesterday was, I think it's going to take me a little while to recuperate.

Metaphorically speaking, I feel as if I'd gone to jump over a hurdle, tripped on it, and landed on my face.

Though I've been told not to feel this way, I still feel as if I've let down a lot of people.

I think everyone involved is (or is going to be) disappointed about this development, in one way or another, but there's nothing I can do about that. I know where I was at yesterday and it was not a place I had cared to return to, ever--and had not thought I would return there.

Clearly I have deeper issues than I had thought I had, and it's going to take some doing to figure out what my problem is and how to fix it. In the meantime, perhaps working part-time is the solution to the immediate problem of requiring income. Less pressure, less stress--instead of having the requirements of a full-time job landing on my back like a ton of bricks, I can ease into working slower. have to do what you have to do, I guess.

What I do know is that I was the oldest guy on the dock. All the guys working the receiving dock at that place look to be in their 20s; I saw one guy who might be in his mid to late 30s, and might not. (When I was 21 I looked 25. This guy may be similar.)

As I said before, I could have adapted to this job--unloading trucks 10 hours a day with only two 20-minute breaks--when I was in my 20s. If I could have eased into it somehow it would also have been doable. But having to hit the ground running? Going from doing nothing more strenuous than rattling a keyboard to that?

I'm amazed that I don't hurt worse.

Disclaimer: I'm not accusing the people at Michaels of anything here, I am just speculating...but I have to wonder if hiring me was a defensive move: "The guy's over 40, but if we don't try him out we could get sued for age discrimination." I really don't know, and it doesn't matter even if that's what they did think.

What I do know is that I'm still really, really tired. I don't think I have ever experienced such total physical exhaustion as I did yesterday; the muscular pain has diminished and I feel better now, but I don't feel good, and I'm even considering skipping choir practice tonight because I feel so rotten.

Well, better luck next time, I guess.

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